


A wish to be mad

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Multi, Pining, Sad Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24340243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: He wanted to be mad, Janus wanted to be mad at Virgil.He couldn't.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Deceit | Janus/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton (Sanders Sides), Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton/Thomas Sanders
Comments: 13
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

Janus wanted to be mad at him. Wanted to be mad at Virgil, he had left him and Remus. And for what? Some shitty acceptance from the Light Sides? He wanted to be so, so mad at Virgil -- that fucking bitch left. Even so, he felt terrible for thinking that, for thinking negatively of his former best friend. Virgil treated him so well and he was always so nice to him despite his half-scaled face and his less-than-friendly attitude.

Janus wanted to call him a bitch and be not-lying about it. He wanted to think about how much he would hate Virgil if he hadn't fell in love with him. But he couldn't bring himself to even dislike Virgil, even after that fight that caused him to leave. 

He hated Virgil, hated him for why and how he left, hated him because of his moodiness, hated his constant anxiety, he hated Virgil. Except he didn't. He didn't hate Virgil, not for leaving, not because his anxiety interferes with his emotions, not his anxious tendencies, he not hate Virgil. He loved Virgil.

Janus loved Virgil so much. He knew that Virgil didn't used to like him like that, would never like him like that. At most, Virgil would befriend Janus. That was good. They could've maybe been friends, maybe rekindle what they once had. They could have -- but it'd never happen. Janus would never get accepted by the Lights. Virgil wouldn't tolerate his presence ever again, not after how they fell out.

The words they said, the insults hurled at one another without so much as a second thought, the missed hits meant for each other. 

The crying, the fighting, the yelling, it'd haunt them both. It'd never leave, forever stating within their heads. Janus half-heatedly smirked, _so it's better than Virgil, huh._ He thought, no actual happiness in it. _Well, that's wrong. Virgil's in my head too.._

And though no one knew, Janus was in Virgil's head too, but that didn't matter.

They'd never tell the other. They'd stay fighting, or at least butting heads constantly and throwing hateful glares at each other, because that's the only way they can cover up their true emotions. Well, that, and various methods of selfharm they do. 

Virgil doesn't have that outlet anymore because Patton and the rest of the fucking goody-two-shoes Light Sides found out, and decided to 'help' him.

Like hell it's helping.

That was his only release goddammit! Virgil _is_ doing better mentally nowadays however, it's very helpful to have people to talk to, Patton did help a lot. Still. The passive hatred is still standing. Janus didn't have anyone to care about him, so he was very addicted to harming himself, in fact he couldn't go a few hours without _at least_ cutting himself. It really was the least harmful thing he's done. That he's doing.

Janus hated Virgil. He says he does, that fucking liar. It's what he's best at, though somehow, it's painfully obvious that he doesn't. That he's lying. Janus is usually able to trick himself into believing his lies, but with this? He just can't seem to. 

Why can't he just let go? Why is it so important that he cannot make himself believe it? Why that, of all things? Why not about anything else -- everything else? 

He didn't know, and he never would. He'd never talk about it. He'd never hint at it. He'd sit by and watch as the little bit of remaining decent mental health he has faded away, he'd sit and watch and never do shit about it. Because what could he do? Talk? You're fucking insane, go check yourself into a psych ward. You know what? He'll do it for you, you clearly don't have the mental capacity to do a simple task as that! 

No.. wait. He's sorry, to anyone who is listening to his thoughts, he doesn't mean it. Oh god, he's an asshole. That's why Virge left, isn't it? Or maybe just one of the many reasons he left. There's quite a few, it's really pathetic. 

He's really pathetic. He's terrible. He's an evil asshole. Anyone in their right (and left) mind wouldn't want to spend a second around him.

Janus loved Virgil, he loves Virgil. So much. And it really hurts when everyday he has to see Virgil smiling and laughing and if he's not then the others will do their best to make him. Now, realistically, he doesn't _have_ to, but it'd upset Patton. The last thing Janus needed was to upset him, to be a disappointment.

Patton tries his hardest to be friendly to Janus and Remus. He can't imagine how hard that'd be, Jan could never be nice to himself. Maybe he's biased. Or maybe he has common fucking sense. Patton's great, he's a absolute sweetheart. Under different circumstances (in a parallel universe, if you will) -- Janus could totally see himself with Patton, if he wasn't dating the other Light Sides.

Oh, right! Yep. Virgil, Logan, Roman and Patton are in a relationship.

With each other.

Janus is okay with it, of course he is, what kind of monster would he be if he didn't? It's not as if Jan wants in on it. Right? Yes, obviously. Janus couldn't be loved either way. Come on -- if one person can't love him without him fucking it up, how could four?

They couldn't, is the answer, if someone was wondering. Which they weren't, because no one cares about him. Virgil doesn't. Roman and Logan don't. Patton says he does, and Janus can't detect the lie, but he knows it's fake.

It has to be. It is, even though it's not. No one can love a snake like him. No one could ever want to be around a snake like him ~~(or could they?)~~. So it was a surprise to him when the Lights asked if Janus would like to hang out with them more, be included in group activities, eat dinner with them, etc. Janus almost said no, but with one look at Patton's eyes, and Janus couldn't decline.

Fuck, why did he have to be in love with people he could never get? Why torture him like this? And God, _why_ make them all fall for each other and be in a relationship right in front of him? This was a new, scarier level of torture. Hell would be more forgiving, he's sure.

He got this pang of strong emotion when he saw one of them kissing, or even holding hands. Even the few times he's seen them making out. The emotion, he wasn't sure if it was a good or bad one. It felt like a mix of Jealousy, Envy, Sadness, and.. Joy? Why Joy was one of those, he didn't know. It just was. 

Janus supposed it was there because he was happy for them? Or because he could maybe imagine himself in one of their shoes, or pretend like he's in the relationship? 

It was, undeniably, the second one. Didn't mean he had to admit it. He didn't want to admit it. His chest hurt when he thought about it, about them. About how he'd never have them. That's how he got here, on the farthest corner of his bed from his door leading to the others laughing and having fun, curled in a ball and having a panic attack. 

Having a panic attack alone, no one around to comfort him, to care about him. No, everyone he cared about were outside of his door, laughing and having fun. He doubted they were even thinking of him. That they ever were thinking about him, that they never would think about him. 

Through his panic, he felt a bitterness on his tongue. _Someone had lied._ Janus could taste whenever someone lied, and he'd been surprised when his mouth stopped tasting sourness almost twenty-four seven.

Each Side's lies tasted different. Patton's tasted as if someone bit into a unripe lime, peel and all. Roman's tasted like the aftertaste of eating a green banana. Logan's tasted like lemon water, which is fucking disgusting if you ask Janus. Virgil's tasted like the ginger someone would take if they felt nauseous, like, if someone downed the whole container without anything with it. Remus's tasted like a rotten green carmel apple, with mold on the toppings. 

So, all of them were revolting. Janus learned to get used to them. He was glad Remus didn't lie often.. that would've been an unfortunate turn of events for Janus's taste buds. Anyway, the times he did lessened. It had something to do with the Light Sides, Janus thought. He'd never get to find out, so he supposed it didn't matter. 

Wait, okay, back to the present. Why did the other Sides lie (with the exception of Remus)? What could possibly make the Lights lie? What happened? Janus knew he wouldn't get an answer, he didn't deserve one. Who was he to barge in one their business, when he wasn't even one of them? But he was just so curious.. then he got an idea. A stupid ass idea, but an an idea nonetheless.

He was reluctant to follow through with it, but a part of him was screaming at him to go do it, to stop being a wuss and do something for once. So he was going to. And he was NOT going to chicken out. 

After all, what could go wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

Everything, apparently.

He had got himself into his regular outfit -- he was slaying his fucking look and staying true to his aesthetic. Janus twisted his door knob, opening it and taking a breath. He was ready for whatever would happen. _Or that's what he told himself._ As he got closer to the common room, or, living room, as the Lights (and Remus) liked to call it, he could hear quieted muttering. It was likely meant for their ears and theirs alone. A pity, seeing as Janus could hear, and was actively trying to. 

Sneaking up on people -sides??- was his specialty. That, and lying, and other things. He had a lot of specialties, okay? Don't judge him. Anyways.. upon coming closer, he could make out what they were saying more clearly. "So, uh, if we all feel this.. uhm, way, what should we do?" Patton muttered, looking uncharacteristically anxious.

Virgil looked worst, he let out a groan, burying his face in his jacket. Patton looked to Logan, prompting him to speak, "It would be beneficial, perhaps, if we confronted him about this," he paused, searching for the right word, "issue."

"But what if he-" Roman cut Virgil off with a reassuring kiss. Ugh, Janus had that feeling again. It sickened him. Literally. Virgil seemed to relax into the kiss, "It's okay if he doesn't, Virge. You'll still have us." Roman said, _why does his voice have to be so comforting?_ Nope, that thought right there is exactly what he's NOT going to do. 

Logan cleared his throat, "So? What is our chosen course of action?" He glanced around at his boyfriends. "We should tell him.." Patton said, his voice uncertain, like if he spoke to loud he'd shatter every glass within a fifty mile radius. He wouldn't, obviously, but he talked as if he would. 

_Were they talking about Remus? Did they want a relationship with him?_ Janus thought, forgetting why he was here for a moment. _They do know he's ace, right? Oh that'll go down terribly.._ _on one hand, that'd be so entertaining, on the other, Janus didn't know if he could bear to see the hurt on their faces at the rejection._

"I.. I know, but it's kinda anxiety inducing.. and.. I represent Thomas's Anxiety. So.." Virgil trailed off, letting himself be pulled into a hug by Patton. They haven't seemed to notice Janus yet. Great. "So when are we doing it?" Roman pitched in, an excited look in his ~~fucking beautiful~~ eyes. It was the look he got when planning a huge, over the top, romantic gesture. Jan couldn't help but feel extremely jealous. Jealous of Remus, of all people. How strange.. and pathetic. 

Janus's eyes were threateningly close to spilling out tears. There's that feeling again. They took turns kissing each other, some kisses longer than others, verging into makeout territory. The one with Roman made Virge whimper. Patton's and Roman's was very.. passionate.. Logan's and Virgil's was soft, cute, and gentle. Virgil's and Patton's was excited, and somewhat rushed, but not enough to be noticable if you weren't paying close attention. (Which Janus was.) Logan's and Roman's was rough-ish, still carrying the love behind it, though. 

All Jan could do was watch, with an almost overwhelming feeling of want, of need, of longing. Want that'd never be satisfied, need that would go unattended to, longing that'd stay exactly that. Longing. His mood was being absolutely ruined with every passing second, more so than before, but he continued to stay in the corner, unbeknownst to the Lights. 

"I'm unsure. What time of day would be suitable for everyone?" Logan asked, slightly dropping his 'smart talk' as the others like to call it. The feeling in Janus's chest only grew. Their conversation was so vague, he'd obviously missed most of it. Virgil shifted, "I dunno." 

Roman and Patton each gripped one of Virgil's hands. An attempt to comfort him, Janus thought. A voice, Patton, snapped him out of his thoughts, "Maybe during a movie night?" He suggested, a hopeful glint in his ~~also beautifully cute~~ eyes. "Yeah, yeah, but doesn't he skip most movie nights?" Roman spoke Virgil's thoughts, from the look on Virgil's face, it was telling. 

Janus wasn't so sure if they were talking about Remus now. Maybe Remy, or Emile? They weren't exactly Sides.. and weren't they in a relationship with each other? Wait -- holy shit -- is -- maybe -- could it? No -- no fucking way. They'd never like him.. certainly.. right? Oh fuck, oh fucking shit, dammit, what the hell?! He -- no. No, no, no. No! They wouldn't.. 

_Could they be talking about him? About Janus?_

They.. no. They couldn't. They wouldn't. He doesn't get luck like this. They must be talking about someone else. Surely. Clearly. Obviously.. right? Right? Was he right? 

"I just love him so much.. but, when I became a Light Side.. I acted like I hated him. He'd never want to be with me. And I understand I just-- I feel so bad but I can't tell him that. I-" Virgil cut himself off with his slight hyperventilating. He was panicking. Both Janus and Virgil were. "Hey, Virge, I'm sure he doesn't hate you, okay? I need you to take deep breaths with me baby," Patton instructed, holding onto Virgil in a comforting way. 

Virgil did as told, and he calmed down a good bit. "Stormcloud, shh, we're all right here ok? Logan, Patton, and me. We're here with you." Roman said, rubbing circles on Virgil's back. Logan was switching on some calming music for Virgil to focus on that instead of his thoughts. All of them were helping him, except Deceit, he was the cause of his ex-friends' panic. He made them have to calm Virgil down.

Janus didn't, he was just living with the consequences of it, and the guilt of it. Deceit was the one who was evil, Deceit was a villian and he prided himself on it, he enjoyed causing chaos and ruining everything good. Janus was a different person than Deceit. Janus was the good one, Janus fell in love with the Light Sides, Janus curls up and cries because of what Deceit did, Janus is vulnerable, Janus cares and he cares deeply. 

Janus was watching as the anxious trait calmed down, when he decided he's heard enough, and headed back for his room. Retreating to his black door with yellow edges, he couldn't stop his spiraling thoughts or the tears running, now freely, down his face as if it was a race that each tear was determined to win.

Opening and closing his door, he automatically switches into what he was wearing before he made the choice to leave his room, a baggy grey t-shirt and some silky yellow pajama pants. Oh. He forgot why he went out there in the first place.. he remembered, only as he's getting somewhat comfortable on his bed. Running one of his gloved hands over the softness that is his throw. It was the lightest shade of yellow he could conjure up, his blankets were a mix between a dirty white and a light gray.

He tried to stick to his aesthetic, and he did, except a lot.. softer. 'Kawaii.' -- he thinks would fit it best. Back to the issue at hand. The Light Sides were discussing when to confess their love for someone -someside?- and Virgil was freaking out. Janus really, desperately, did not want a single part in that.

Unless it was him they were talking about; but let's act like an adult and face the facts, it would never be Janus. Not in a trillion light-years. Nope. 

...unless?


End file.
